Every Journey has a First Step

Ever been to the point that you couldn't even look at yourself in the eye when you look in the mirror?

I will start by saying that I am a very lucky guy. My support system is second to none in this world. I have a great family and fantastic friends. I am college educated and share a home with my amazing wife and son. I like my job and the people I work with. I'm able and moderately healthy. I honestly feel like I am being selfish by even writing what I am about to write.
But...
I am an extroverted introvert. I am boisterous by nature, but when people notice me, I try to deflect attention because I am afraid of what they see. I am afraid they see the fat kid. I am afraid they see that because that's what I see. That's what I've seen for about 25 years when knee issues put a stop to a lot of my organized sports activities. But the knee issues aren't to blame for my poor self image. Like I said, I am able. Since the knee issues started, I've played a little bit of soccer, some organized basketball, and have completed two half marathons.
But this is something that has really been weighing on me heavily: It's me. It's my weight. I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I think less of the person looking back at me and I assume strangers look at me the same way. I try to be friendly enough. I even try to be funny, but that ends up drawing attention to me that ultimately I don't want because I feel like I know what people see when they look at me. The fat kid. The unhealthy guy. That big guy over there.
I am tired of being referred to as "big guy" or "big fella" or "jolly." Jolly? Really? Who else gets described as jolly besides Santa Claus, who is famously fat? I am tired of going to a restaurant and having the host or hostess ask me if I prefer a booth or a table (I worked in a restaurant for a number of years. I know that thinner people don't get that question). I know they are trying to be nice, and think they are being nice, but it's humiliating.
I was talking with my wife the other night, and we were talking about self-image, and I had a realization: I've not done anything that I am proud of in more than 5 years. I am proud of the life my wife and I have, and of our son, and usually proud of the dad I am. But, for me, I've accomplished nothing since my last half marathon in 2008 that I can hang my hat on. My fear in writing this, or even vocalizing it the other night, is that my wife will feel like I feel that something at home is missing, or that my life with her and our son is somehow not fulfilling, or not good enough. That couldn't be further from the case. Like I said, she's amazing. I am proud of her as a wife, mother, and friend, every day.

I honestly just feel lost in my life, though. So, I have decided that it's time to undertake a journey. A journey to the center of me. It is time for some changes, and time for some focus. The only place I know to start is with my weight. Since I think all of my issues start there, I figure that's the quickest way to fix most of them. I am going to work on figuring out an exercise routine and schedule, but I am a pro at making excuses. I've done this before, and always find a reason not to do it.
I am going to start eating better. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but I crave savory. Seconds are my weakness. So with my better, more balanced meals, I am also making a pledge not to go back for more. If it won't go on my plate the first time, I don't need it. Even if that means putting away leftovers before I sit down to eat.
It's not just a journey to lose this weight. It's a journey into my own head to find and fix whatever seems broken in there to make me see myself the way I do.
I'll not put a number on how much weight I want to lose. Both because I figure I will know it when I see it, and because if I do put a number on it, I will get fixated on it, and will get frustrated at every plateau. Even as I sit here, I think it's crazy not to have a goal weight, but I realize what the right weight range is for someone of my height, and I am about 150 pounds from the top end of that range. But if I am above that range, and can look myself in the eye, and be proud of myself, I am okay with that. It has been a long time since I got caught up with what the scale said.
I plan on posting here pretty regularly. It's a bit of accountability for myself. If you've read this far, I appreciate your support to this point, and certainly need it going forward.